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Why Do You Hate Michigan?

In light of Nick’s article yesterday and the recent Yahoo! article/video, in which Jim and Ellen Tressel and hundreds of fans sing a beautiful rendition of “We Don’t Give a Damn for the Whole State of Michigan,” I thought it appropriate to offer up a few reasons for my hatred of “That School Up North.”  In semi-Late Show fashion, here is my “Top Five Reasons that I Hate Michigan” list:

5.  The Fab Five

Did you land one of the top recruiting classes of all time?  Yes.  

Were they good?  Yes. 

Did they change the game or leave a lasting impact?  NO!!! 

Webber, Rose, Howard, King and Jackson were very talented and highly touted recruits coming out of high school, and it’s tough to argue that they didn’t have a successful two seasons as the “Fab Five.”  However, the team’s two seasons as a unit (1991-1992, and 1992-1993) were hardly unforgettable.  They failed to win a Big Ten Championship (OSU won in ’92, Indiana in ’93), and came up short in the final game of the NCAA Championship in both seasons.  Also, let’s not forget that these players received thousands upon thousands of dollars to play for UM, and Chris Webber was indicted for lying to a federal grand jury and obstruction of justice. Now, to channel my inner old-timer, I take it back, they did change the game and leave a lasting impact.  Maybe kids today would wear their shorts on their hips and check their egos at the door if they hadn’t grown up watching the Fab Five play.

4.  The Big House

The capacity is the only thing impressive about this stadium.  It officially holds close to 110,000, but will get close to 113,000 on sold out games.  I’ve been there for three games now, and it is the quietest 113,000 people you can find.  The school’s priority over the past few seasons seems to have been focused on having one of the biggest stadiums in the country, and not on recruiting, coaching, and putting out a solid product.  Much of this, of course, falls onto former head coach Rich Rodriguez, but seeing newspaper articles about renovations to increase seating capacity while your team is posting losing records is a joke.

3.  Charles Woodson, Desmond Howard, and Mike Hart

Charles Woodsoon vs. David Boston –  as Nick mentioned yesterday, this is one of the great OSU related rivalries, and will always be remembered by this on-field fight

Desmond Howard – the pose…enough said.  A great UM player, but when he struck the Heisman pose in the end zone after a punt return TD, he became public enemy number one for OSU fans.  (I had the picture inserted into this article, but couldn’t bare to look at it, so that’s why you don’t see it here)
Mike Hart – Hart would have probably gone unnoticed by the Buckeye faithful if not for his awful habit of opening his mouth.  He was an average running back for the wolverines, but constantly made comments that he could not back up.  He claimed that Ohio State’s 2006 defense “was nothing special,” and then backed that up by putting up 44 yards on 18 carries in 2007.  He said that he was coming back for his senior season to beat Ohio State, but managed to rack up his 4th loss against the Bucks instead.  These are just a couple of his dumb comments, but that’s good enough to land him on my list. 

Now this is "maize"

2.  “Maize”

Maize is corn; it is not a color, unless you work for Sherwin Williams, where Bagel, Bees Wax, and Jogging Path are also colors.  Your colors are yellow and blue.  And don’t try to compare scarlet to maize… scarlet is a popular shade of red, while maize was shared by the pilgrims and indians at the first Thanksgiving.

1.  Championships

Congratulations on your 11 National Championships in college football.  It truly is quite a feat.  On the other hand, my grandma is 75 years old and has only been on this earth for 3 of them, so please let it go.  You were winning championships when it was still the norm for coaches to have names like Fielding, Fritz, and Bennie.  For crying out loud, 8 of them were before World War II, 10 of them were before 1950, and 4 of them came before college football even recognized the forward pass.  I will be the first to admit that you have several other things in your storied history to look back on with pride, but leave those titles for your great-grandparents’ tales. 

I could probably go on for much longer, but now it’s your turn…  Why do you hate Michigan?? 


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